


The Sun Has Gone

by Ghille_Dhu



Series: The Sun Series [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Blood and Injury, Dubious Consent, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, Mental Health Issues, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Rough Sex (mentioned), Self-Harm, Suicide, self injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:07:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29967510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghille_Dhu/pseuds/Ghille_Dhu
Summary: Janeway arrives at the hospital and uses every tool at her disposal to escape.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Original Character(s)
Series: The Sun Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202750
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The dub con refers to kissing and is only featured in the final chapter. I didn't really write it as dub con but thought it might read like that for some.

I have seen a few Starfleet officers come through those doors. They are nearly always men and women who have been in battle and symptoms of anxiety, depression and PTSD have overwhelmed them. Most of them need a break and space to explore their experiences and feelings. I’m not so sure this was the case with Captain Janeway. 

I think the day she was beamed directly in to one of the seclusion rooms on the ward is one that will be with me for a while. She was still in uniform, which is unusual and was being restrained by two of our staff which is more unusual still. Starfleet types are usually pretty compliant and come here of their own accord. I was pretty glad she didn’t have access to a phaser as I am convinced she would have stunned everyone she could. Now, I have 15 years of experience as a mental health nurse and plenty of that experience has been with those who have been detained against their will. But even I was unsure what our next move was. 

‘Jamie, don’t just stand there, give us a hand.’

I realised I had been standing there like a member of the audience of some particularly exciting play. I snapped into action. 

‘Kathryn, you are in Royal Bethlam Hospital. You are in one of our seclusion rooms to give you some privacy. I would really like to talk to you, but I need you to stop trying to fight my team.’

‘I know where I am you half wit.’ Kathryn spat at me. ‘I just don’t need to be here, so call off your dogs.’

‘You have been sent here, because you need help.’

‘Oh just shut up.’

‘Genuinely, I just want to talk to you, I know this is a frightening situation.’

‘I don’t want to talk to you. Let me GO!’

This last past of shouted so vehemently, that I doubted we would be able to have any kind of conversation when she was this distressed. I went back to the door and asked one of our team to make sure that a force field was in to place. Our forcefields have been designed so that staff carrying their ID can pass through, but patients cannot. I don’t like them, they are exclusionary and very us vs. them but at times they are the only option. The staff member activated the force field.

‘We’re going to leave you now Kathryn. We’ll give you some space we’ll be back in an hour.’

She whipped round the moment the staff ceased restraining her and ran for the door. She went pretty fast in to the forcefield, the field rejected her motion, forcing her back into the room with a bounce. She landed on the floor and swore loudly. We then left her to it.

We returned in around 45 minutes only because I was getting concerned. Normally someone we leave in seclusion will shout and scream for a while, but we heard next to nothing. I had been called to deal with another patient, so it was only when I came back and asked my colleagues if they had heard shouting, did I realise she had been silent for the last three quarters of an hour, although they did report hearing a couple of banging noises. I am very glad we didn’t leave her full hour as I am not sure the forcefield would have continued to hold any longer. Part of the problem is that those forcefields are not used often so aren’t well maintained. They frequently end up going on to emergency power and no one pays too much attention to that. I contacted maintenance that day and asked for all the forcefield generators to be inspected.

We arrived at the seclusion room she was in and saw what she had done. I’m no engineer so I don’t know exactly but it looked as though she had used the generators own power relays to create a feedback loop. She had used one of her pips to create a conduit for the loop, or something, as I said, I am no engineer. Whatever she did it was effective. The forcefield had a gap in it and I am guessing she was working on trying to weaken it further to the point it failed, or a larger hole was made. Large enough for her to climb through. The room was a mess where she had forced panels off the wall to pull out the cables inside. I asked maintenance to address those access panels too. She was clearly focused on what she was doing because she didn’t stop when we arrived although she must have heard us. Kathryn was clearly having an odd effect on me as, for the second time that day, I just stared at what she was doing. My colleague nudged me and I turned and switched off the generator. Only then did she look up. 

‘Damn.’ Was her only comment as she stood up and reattached her pip. I wondered what she next move was going to be. She could rush at us, but there were four of us and one of her and she wasn’t the tallest woman. She could refuse to come out of the room and maybe hope we turn the generator back on, but she now knew we would be watching her. In the end she did nothing. Just stared us down. I went into the room first and stood in front of her but to the left, so I was not blocking her view of the exit:

‘You are the first person I have ever admitted here who tried collapse a forcefield generator.’ I said wondering if this would help her to open up to me. She didn’t reply, didn’t even glance in my direction. I tried again:

‘What was your plan if you did collapse the field?’ This question got her attention as she half turned to me and said:

‘Leave. I do not need to be here. This is all a misunderstanding.’

‘Do you not think that having a conversation with me would be the more reasonable approach?’

‘You are keeping me here against my will. You are not reasonable people.’

I was struck by the logic of this. No reasonable person holds someone against their will therefore why would someone think asking to be released would produce results?

‘I see your point.’ I said nodding. This clearly surprised her as she moved so she fully faced me and raised an eyebrow. ‘Why don’t you try speaking to me and then go from there?’

‘Fine.’ She replied lifting her hands up in frustration.

She followed me out of the seclusion room to one of the counselling rooms a few doors away. I shook my head when one of the other staff went to come into the room too. We were building a fragile rapport and I didn’t want anyone to jeopardise that. Also, I didn’t think she was likely to attack me. 

‘Please, sit down Kathryn.’

She hesitated but slumped down into the chair I had indicated to.

‘I know this has all happened very quickly, and it must be a bit of a shock, so how are you feeling?’

‘I do not need to be here is how I am feeling. This is all a big misunderstanding. I just need to speak to Lange or Mallory and we can get this sorted.’

‘They are your commanding officers?’ We had very little information on Kathryn, the decision to admit had been a fairly rushed one following her suicide attempt. Starfleet can act very quickly when it comes to certain things, but has never been great at making good, rapid mental health decisions. As it was, we only had the bare bones of the information we usually required, and I am always hopeless with names anyway.

‘No. They are a doctor and a counsellor respectively. They were assigned to me. I was at Lange’s clinic because I was ordered to attend by my commanding officer. I just need to speak to them.’

Some of the information I had read was coming back to me. The reports were all couched in suitably Starfleet language, but in short, Captain Janeway denied any and all issues. She felt that her reactions were normal for her experiences. They hadn’t known what to do with her and once her behaviour escalated, I think they realised they were out of their depth and were glad to have a sound reason to make her someone else’s problem. 

‘All of those involved in your care are aware that you have been admitted here. We don’t go around sweeping people off the streets and out of skies. You were referred by those at Starfleet.’

Kathryn sat up straighter and started jigging her leg in agitation. 

‘But they have it wrong. I am not unwell. I need to go back to work.’

‘Kathryn, you have taken a near fatal overdose, you then cut your wrists and nearly bled to death and in between you have been cutting your arms. Does that all sound like the behaviour of someone who is happy and well?’

She flapped an arm dismissively but didn’t reply. 

If you don’t want to talk about you, then let me tell you about the Bethlam. We are a mental health hospital, and our focus is to get people back to a place where they can continue doing what they enjoy and the things they want. Every patient has access to their own room and bathroom, computer for communication with family and friends and when we feel it is safe, patients can go into town with and without staff. From a support standpoint, we offer everyone psychotherapy sessions, psychiatrist sessions and other forms of therapy every week.’

I paused to allow her to ask any questions, but she just stared out of the window.

‘You have been placed on a Hold as you refused to come here voluntarily, this lasts six months, but can be removed early if we see that you are happy to engage with us and it is safe to do so. Everyone one a Hold is brought to the Seclusion Ward at first as they are often quite distressed and we have more staff who can support them here, however, when you are ready you will be transferred to a general ward. How does that sound?’

She dragged her attention away from the window:

‘This Hold. I can appeal it?’

I just knew this was going to be her first question. ‘Yes, there is a tribunal process. I can give you access to a computer to do this and an advocate and lawyer to support you.’

‘Do it.’ She answered abruptly. 

Kathryn was someone clearly used to being obeyed. I gave an inward smile:

‘I’ll arrange it directly.’ I would have dearly loved to have added ‘Sir’ on the end but didn’t think she or my manager would have appreciated that. ‘I shall ask my colleague to show you around the ward and to your room, whilst I make to necessary calls.’

We left the room and I asked Marvin to show Kathryn around. I saw them head off towards the day room. Whilst Kathryn was (hopefully) settling in, I managed to get an advocate and lawyer organised for tomorrow morning. I also had arranged for her clothes and other things she would need to be beamed to the hospital in the next couple of hours. I left the office and went to find her to let her know. I caught up with her pacing round the bedroom she had been allocated. I tapped on the door and went in:

‘Kathryn, just to let you know that I have arranged for an advocate and a lawyer to meet you here tomorrow at 9.00.’

‘Not today?’

‘Sorry, this was the fastest we could arrange anything.’

‘I need to leave today, please contact them again and stress this.’

‘No Kathryn. I am not going to do that. Tomorrow is soon enough.’

I heard a soft growl from the back of her throat.

‘Fine, but I will need my things.’

‘I have news about that. A colleague, a’ I checked my PADD ‘Mr Chakotay has agreed to go and put together some things for you and have them beamed here.’

She flushed and stopped her pacing:

‘Chakotay?’

‘Yes, this is who Starfleet said they would ask. There may still be time to change this, would you like to me ask them?’

She ran a hand through her hair and for the first time appeared unsure:

‘Um, Chakotay? Er, no, I suppose that’s fine.’

She didn’t look like she was fine with it, but I left it. I did wonder who Chakotay was, was he a former husband or partner? Or just a friend? I It was none of my business, but I was intrigued who could make her blush like that.


	2. Chapter 2

I was off work for the next two days, and when I came in and saw my colleagues looking a little world weary, I knew Kathryn was the cause:

‘It’s Kathryn isn’t it?’

A chorus of yes, yeps and yeahs rang out across the room. ‘What she do?’

‘What didn’t she do?’ said someone from the back of the room.

‘Did she meet with the advocate and lawyer?’

Marvin who was perched on the edge of a desk replied:

‘Yes, she met with them. She was fine after that. But they got the Tribunal arranged for the same day in the afternoon and that’s when it all kicked off.’

‘The Hold was upheld?’

‘Oh yeah.’ Marvin answered with an eye roll. 

‘And she didn’t react well.’

‘Hmmmm, anyone, would you say she reacted well?’

A low laugh rumbled around the room. 

‘What exactly has happened?’

So he explained. Kathryn had been a little agitated and snappy once I left, but it was understandable and not to a problematic degree. She hadn’t really slept on the first night and had prowled the corridors ignoring everyone who asked if she was okay. She had her meeting with the advocate and lawyer. Following this meeting she seemed calmer. Kathryn had eaten lunch, she had declined to sit with anyone, but had declined offers politely. They had been told a tribunal had been arranged for 3.00 that afternoon. Kathryn had presented as a little anxious before the tribunal but that was to be expected. The tribunal had lasted around an hour and towards the end they had heard shouting. No emergency alarm was pressed so they left it. The people involved in the tribunal had left and told staff that Kathryn had wanted to be alone for a moment to digest the news she had been given. The staff had then entered the room approximately five minutes later and found it empty, with the window half open. Given the ward is on the second floor the team were immediately concerned that she had jumped and was injured, but a glance out the window reassured them that this was not the case. They had then spent three hours searching the grounds and had eventually found her in branches of one of the taller trees. Fortunately, she had come down without a struggle, but had sprinted off again the moment her feet landed on the ground. She had been caught and needed to be restrained in order to be returned to the ward. Once back on the ward she had: tried to climb out of the window again, pulled open every access panel she could get her hands on, possibly to try and disable the door locks or create a rudimentary weapon, thrown food and drinks over anyone who offered her any, kicked at the front door to the ward, spent large chunks of time shouting insults at the staff sat in the office and pretty much anything else she could think of to disrupt things or escape. This had resulted in multiple restraints as well as much time spent in seclusion rooms. The only things she hadn’t done were physically attack staff or patients. 

‘So she hasn’t accepted the admission yet then.’ I offered at the end of Marvin’s speech. 

‘I would say no.’ he said.

“I’ll speak to her.’

‘Hah. Good luck.’

The moment the morning meeting finished I went to find Kathryn. She was in her room, sat on the windowsill looking out at the countryside. There was a slight delay between my entering the room and her springing to the ground, but it was still a pretty quick reaction. She stood glaring at me. She too looked a little worse for wear. She had changed out of uniform, but I don’t think she had brushed her hair or washed since her arrival. 

‘Hello Kathryn.’

‘What?’

‘I hear things have been a bit difficult over the last couple of days?’

‘Oh just fuck off.’ She began pacing to and fro in front of the window. 

‘I’m not going to do that, so what’s your plan B?’

‘Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you or anyone else.’

‘You are going to have to one day.’

‘What for? We have a difference of opinion. You are well aware of my opinion, so what more is there to say?’

‘Okay. Do you accept that it is not safe for you to leave here and that you are a risk to yourself?’

She scowled but said: ‘I accept that you think it is not safe for me to leave here and that you think I am a risk to myself.’

‘So we have a starting point. Why do you think we think it is not safe for you to leave?’ She was least engaging in the conversation, I hoped that she at least understood our reasons even if she disagreed with them.

‘You think I am unsafe because you have very rigid rules around what you feel is acceptable behaviour. Now, some behaviour I agree is unacceptable. On Voyager…’ 

Kathryn gave, what looked like an unconscious wince, and paused. ‘On Voyager?’ I encouraged.

‘In general terms, the Borg, what they do is unacceptable. That needs to be stopped, with force if necessary and it’s always necessary with the Borg.’ She concluded ruefully.

I made a mental note that speaking about her experiences on her ship was clearly painful, but I carried on with her analogy.

‘But you don’t think any of your actions are really in the same league as the Borg?’

‘My point exactly.’ She said and stood still and nodded emphatically. 

‘Sometimes people’s actions are outside their control, like the Borg, and they cannot stop themselves, so they need to be stopped by others.’

‘The varies species didn’t chose to be assimilated, no.’

‘Their free will has been taken away. This can also happen when people become unwell. They don’t want to behave in the way their behaving, but they can’t stop themselves and what they are doing will destroy them.’

‘We do destroy the Borg and would be very happy to let them destroy themselves.’ She countered.

‘Sure, the analogy isn’t perfect, but you see my point.’

I know she did see what I was saying even if she refused to answer. She had resumed her pacing and was twisting the sleeves of her jersey round her arms as she walked. I thought we had made some progress here. So I thought I would tackle some of the more practical issues at hand.

‘Changing the subject, I heard that you have been refusing food and drink offered to you and your personal hygiene is perhaps being neglected. I have a suggestion, if you have shower or bath and then you and I eat lunch together later we could spend time doing something you enjoy. It could be swimming? Or a game of tennis? A walk? We don’t have a holodeck here so more adventurous things are out, what would you like?’

She had her back to my whilst I said that. But she turned slowly with said with a sneer:

‘Be a good girl and you can do something nice? I’m not a toddler.’

‘No, of course you aren’t. And I am sorry if that was patronising. I only meant that you do need to eat and you do need to bathe because everyone does. Also, coming here has been a shock and that doing something you enjoy may help with that.’

‘No.’

I could see that I had annoyed her. I suppose going to this from running your own starship would be a huge jolt to the system. She had made all the decisions and now someone was telling her she needed to wash. I asked her to think about it and that I would see her later and then left her bedroom. I could have kicked myself. I should have known she wouldn’t respond well to a carrot and stick approach. I was just trying to give her encouragement but that had backfired. When I returned about an hour later, I saw how much it had backfired. I peeked through the window in the door and saw she wasn’t in the room, but the bathroom door was shut. I announced that was coming in and then knocked on the bathroom door. When I received no response, I knocked again. Still nothing. I shouted through the door and listened but couldn’t hear anything so I went in. She was sat on the edge of the bath, and there was blood all over her. Down the front of her jumper, on her trousers, her shoes and smeared on the floor. I ran over to her:

‘Kathryn, what’s happened?’

She had a towel wrapped around one arm and was pressing a second towel to the other arm. The towels had blood stains on, some looked older than others indicating to me this was not the first time they had been used to mop up blood. She must have self harmed before today and if she had why had no one picked up on it? My guess, they had been so preoccupied with her more aggressive behaviour that they just hadn’t checked. 

‘Can I see?’

She moved slightly out of my reach.

‘Please?’

She twisted back towards me and let me unwrap the towel. She then pulled the second towel away so I could see the other arm. They were a bit of a mess. Some of the cuts were very deep and had clearly bled a lot. 

‘Kathryn, I am just going to get a med kit…’ she interrupted me

‘No regeneration.’

‘Okay, that’s fine. Can I clean them and dress them?’

She nodded her agreement, and I pressed my alarm, and two staff came in. They gave a bit of start when they saw the blood but did as I asked and brought me a med kit. I cleaned and dressed the injuries making sure to tell her exactly what I was doing so she wouldn’t think I was doing anything she wouldn’t want. When I was finished I stepped back and sat down on the toilet. We sat in silence for a while, I don’t know what was going on in Kathryn’s head but I doubt it was anything very good:

‘How are you doing now Kathryn?’ I asked

‘Fine.’ She answered shaking her head so her hair fell forward and I couldn’t see her face. 

‘I really don’t want to sound patronising, but I think you would feel a lot better if you had a shower and changed your clothes. They are quite blood stained.’

She looked down at herself and the floor. I don’t think she realised how much blood was on them as she gave a sharp intake of breath. 

‘Okay.’

I thought she would refuse but perhaps she didn’t relish the idea of going around covered in blood. 

‘I have some arm protectors I could give you to cover those dressings so they won’t come off. I’ll go and get them and leave them outside your bedroom door and then comeback in half an hour or so. Is that okay?’

‘That’s fine.’

When I returned the arm protectors had gone, which I took as a positive sign. I knocked on the door and she opened it rather than ignore the knock, another improvement. She was also dressed in clean clothes and her hair was damp. She had actually done as I had suggested. Maybe I was making some headway here. I had brought some lunch with me we ate it together. Well sort of together. I sat at the desk in her room and she sat on the edge of her bed. She didn’t really speak to me, but she hadn’t thrown it in my face, so I chalked this up as a win. 

‘I was just wondering whether there was there anything you would like to do this afternoon?’ I asked. We had made significant progress and I decided to strike while the iron was hot.

‘As I told you, I’m not a child. I don’t need to be entertained.’

‘I’m not trying to entertain you. Whilst you are on this ward you and I will be working closely together. It would be great if we knew each other better.’

‘I have no intention of staying in this ward.’

I chose to deliberately misunderstand. ‘No reason you should stay that long if you engage with us, but we still have a couple of weeks until your placement is reviewed.’

She got off the bed and began pacing up and down. I wasn’t sure if this pacing was a displacement activity or something she unconsciously did when she was feeling distressed. I decided I may as well ask her, the worst she was going to do was tell me to go away, or words to that effect. ‘Why are you pacing Kathryn?’

‘I want the exercise.’ She replied

I knew she was being facetious but thought I would capitalise on it. ‘We would go and play tennis if you want some exercise.’

She threw me a look over her shoulder as she walked past me. I was beginning to learn that she had a good line in glares. She must have been quite a formidable Captain; I certainly wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that stare if I was a young Ensign. I decided to try again: ‘Is there something else you would like to do?’

She said nothing and I felt we had probably reached an impasse. I was about to get up and suggest I come back later. When she suddenly stopped pacing and said it was still no to tennis but perhaps we could go for a walk and have a cup of coffee on one of the benches outside. I was surprised by her suggestion and it did cross my mind that she was thinking of running again, however she pre-empted that:

‘I’m not about to go climbing any trees again Jamie’ she said with a half smile. 

‘Good, because I am not up for climbing any. We can certainly go for a walk. There’s a route we can take, which ends at a replicator so we can grab a coffee and have a sit down too if that’s what you would like.’

‘I would.’

I was struggling with this rapid turn around, however I was not about to look an opportunity in the mouth so to speak. 

‘I’ll meet you by the door in about five minutes.’

She nodded and I left her room. I was very curious about this change of heart. I believed her when she said that, in a round about way, that she hadn’t any escape plans mapped out. But there was definitely something going on. 

We met by the door as agreed and went out into the grounds of the hospital. The grounds were divided up and those in seclusion wards had a higher amount of security than other wards. As well as force fields we had very obvious fences guiding where a patient could and could not go. It rather defaced the elegance of the grounds which had maintained some of their Victorian grandeur, however, as Kathryn had perfectly demonstrated, there were those who would try and leave when they were simply too unwell to do so, therefore they were necessary. But it was a shame. She waved her arm indicating that I should lead and she followed about half a step behind me. We walked around the route I had suggested before ending at a sort of self serve café spot. It was essentially just a few benches and tables with a replicator, but it was known as the café. 

‘What would you like to drink?’ I asked.

‘Coffee, black.’

I requested this along with a tea and brought it over to the bench she had sat down at. 

‘What did you think of the route?’

‘Much nicer than I had anticipated. I thought it would all be mass expanses of grass, but it wasn’t.’

‘This is a newer edition. The Victorians did go in for courtyards and summer houses and things, but they were less keen on dirt tracks and winding paths. They had very firm ideas of what was good for the mind.’

She leant forward and rested her chin in her hand. ‘So what did the Victorians’ think benefited the mind?’

She appeared to be genuinely asking me, so I answered just as genuinely. I told her about the Victorian’s belief in beauty helping to calm the mentally unwell and that open spaces were also beneficial, probably because a lot of their poorer patients came from cramped conditions. As I went on she would ask interested questions and looked as though she was really listening to the reply. I was beginning to see that although she may have been a formidable Captain, she was also one who could truly make someone feel heard. Which must have been a useful skill when stuck in the Delta Quadrant without backup. Her crew must have felt they were important to her. Well she certainly made me feel that way. I hadn’t noticed it before, probably because when someone is shouting at you to fuck off, it isn’t there to see, but she had a fair amount of charm. Again, a useful skill when stuck a long way from home and on your own. 

‘So, there you have it’ I concluded, ‘everything I know about the Victorians’ view of mental health.

‘Interesting. And does any of this historical context inform your day to day practice?’ 

‘It’s always useful to understand how your profession arrived where it did. I am sure you have looked at the history of Starfleet.’

‘Of course.’ She smiled. ‘As you say, it’s always useful to understand why decisions were taken and the mistakes that were made. Anyway, I am sure I have taken up enough of your time, but I was caught up in what you were saying.’

‘I am here for you Kathryn.’ I replied and watched her get up and walk round to my side of the table. She offered me a hand to help me get up. I cautiously took it, but all she did was give me a gentle pull as I stood up. I was very confused by this entire afternoon’s outing. I was not convinced her view of her need for hospitalisation had changed, no one’s perspective flips with that type of speed, so what was her game? We walked back the most direct way to the hospital building. She kept in step with me all the way and made no attempt to run. As we approached the ward entrance, she brushed her hand against mind. She apologised and stepped further away, but I had the distinct impression it had not been accidental. Once in the ward itself she thanked me for an interesting afternoon and made her way back towards her bedroom and I made my way to the office.

‘Have you been with Kathryn?’ Marvin asked me once the office door had closed behind me.

‘Yes.’

‘And what did she do now?’

‘Nothing. We went for a walk and sat in the outdoor café and we spoke about Victorian mental health treatments.’

‘Eh?’ he said raising his eyebrows so high they disappeared into his hair.

‘I know. I don’t understand it either. She just changed. It was like she decided to be charming. Also, she brushed against me. She apologised but I just have a feeling that it was deliberate.’

‘Maybe she fancies you.’ Marvin replied with a grin.

I rolled my eyes. ‘No, I am pretty sure she doesn’t. I think she fancies someone she used to work with. It was the only time I have ever seen her blush.’

‘Maybe you look like them.’

‘Oh shut up Marvin. You are not helping.’ 

He giggled into the pile of PADDs on his desk. I ignored him. I just didn’t get it and I don’t like mysteries. When you have done my job for as long as I have it’s unusual to be even remotely surprised. Maybe my expectations were different because she was Starfleet. They were usually a pretty predictable bunch and she just wasn’t. She was all over the place. It piqued by professional curiosity. I decided I would try and request further information from Starfleet. Maybe they could shed some light on her.

Unusually for Starfleet I had a response to my request quickly. Before the end of my shift in fact. I scanned through the message and got to the report:

Following your request, we can provide some information on Captain Janeway which was written prior to being in the Delta Quadrant and we can also provide her final assessment from the Centre.

The first report was simply a pen profile. An overview of her strengths and weaknesses as an officer. It was a brief, and heavily redacted but did give some insight into how she thinks:

**Background:** Science officer  
 **Command style:** A combination of authoritative and affiliative. Some development is needed around including a more coaching style to increase skills within the command team.  
 **Tactical:** Usually takes a combative stance, will only retreat or hide as a last resort. Some guidance needed around ensuring risk is proportionate to outcome.  
 **Stressors:** Can allow concern for the crew to overwhelm and will put herself high risk situations to reduce the risk to others. 

The second report came directly from Dr Lange at the Centre, he had provided us with a referral, a care plan and an extensive risk assessment but no reports. We don’t receive them as standard and they aren’t, in general, particularly useful documents as we conduct our own assessments upon admission but this one was interesting:

**Commander Dr Jonathon Lange  
RE: Captain Kathryn Janeway  
FAO Admiral Nechayev**

_Captain Janeway has been attending the Centre for the past week. Unfortunately, I am unable to report any changes to her behaviour or beliefs. She has consistently declined to speak during group meetings or engage with the different therapies offered. When pushed to speak, her only refrain is that she feels Starfleet no longer think she is good enough. The groups act as a both peer support and general therapy groups. Every member must tell the group why they are there. Janeway refused to explain why she had been ordered to attend and required me to tell others. Whilst an initial reluctance to discuss the reason for the referral to the programme is understandable, especially when ordered to attend, she has not made any attempt to speak about her mental ill health or even to support others with theirs._

_In addition, the only relationship she has made is with someone she already knew and had previously had a sexual relationship with. This relationship is not an altogether healthy one in part due to the nature of the other party’s illness. However instead of seeking support to manage this she has reinitiated the relationship and used it to harm herself. She was observed engaged in a sex act outside the Centre with this person. When she came to the Centre the following day it was clear that she had been using this relationship as a further means to self harm. She had obvious bruising from being hit (fingerprint patterns were indented on the skin), she also was extremely uncomfortable sitting down and had rope burns around each wrist. When she was spoken to about this, she didn’t deny it but did inform us that it was ‘none of our business.’ We do encourage friendships between our service users, as they can provide vital support and obviously Starfleet has never sought to manage any personal relationships of its officers, however, I feel this relationship only exists for Janeway as a conduit for self injury._

_In my professional opinion Janeway has not made sufficient progress to be allowed to return to work and would benefit from a longer attendance at the Centre. I would recommend that she attend for a month and then we reassess._

The first thing I got from this report was that Lange didn’t like Kathryn very much. I wasn’t sure if it was because she outranked him, he was a prude or there was some other reason but, it came through loud and clear, he didn’t approve. I mean I had to smirk at some of it. Unprofessional I know, but ‘uncomfortable sitting down’? That is not something that belongs in a report. He clearly hadn’t asked her about this discomfort specifically as he would have said so and it’s not really a scientific observation. His conclusion was correct, but the rest of this report was pure nonsense. It was a big ask to get someone to open up to a group of strangers. I’m not sure I would want to. Hardly indicative of someone being unwilling to engage. I didn’t know Lange well. I mean I knew of him. He has made something of a name for himself treating the heroes of the Dominion War. I never took to him. He always came across as pompous. I wondered if he had only been involved with Janeway’s care because she was well known. Dr Jonathon Lange cured the brave Captain of the Delta Quadrant etc. Maybe he was fame hungry as well as pompous. 

The upshot of this new information meant I did understand her initial behaviour a little better. She had tried to fight her way out and only retreated when she had exhausted her other options. It probably meant that she would try and fight us every step of the way too. The only insight Lange’s report had given me was that she had, on one occasion, had rough sex. But potentially may use sex as a means to harm herself if the opportunity presented itself. Not really something I could include in a risk assessment at this stage. I sighed, I sensed we would have an uphill battle ahead to get Kathryn to engage with us, or even accept that she needed help. 

I was nearing the end of my shift and thought I would go and say good bye to Kathryn and let her know that I would be in tomorrow. I headed down to her room and tapped on the door. There was no response, so I opened it. She wasn’t in there or the bathroom, so I went off to the day room. I found her sat on a sofa staring into space.

‘Kathryn, can I speak to you a moment?’

She gave a slight start but looked up.

‘Shall we go to one of the therapy rooms?’

She heaved herself off the coach and followed me into the therapy room just off the day room. Once we were both seated, I asked her how she was:

‘Fine thank you. Yourself?’

‘I’m okay thank you for asking. I just wanted to let you know that I am going off shift soon but I’ll be back in tomorrow in the afternoon so we can spend some time together in the evening.’

‘Sure. Could we go the library perhaps?’

I was surprised but agreed. She smiled at me and wished me a good evening. I still didn’t understand this change, but it was not a bad thing. I hoped it would continue tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

I was half expecting for there to be a list of complaints when I arrived the next day, but there was nothing to report. Kathryn had been, and I quote ‘a delight’. She had been polite to everyone. She had largely kept to herself but had been perfectly happy to interact with staff. Marvin went to far as to say that he agreed that she did in fact have a certain charm and Marvin disagreed with me on principle! After handover I went along the ward to Kathryn’s bedroom. I poked my head round the door and she looked up from the book she was reading.

‘Hi Kathryn, how are you?’

‘Fine thank you. You?’

‘I’m okay. So, today, are you happy to go to the cafeteria for dinner and then afterwards to the library like you wanted?’

‘Great.’

‘Oh, before I forget, one of the doctors has asked to see you. I’m really sorry, I think there was a muddle over which consultant you would be under and so no appointment was arranged.’

Her face closed over and for a second the look she had when she was beamed in, but it cleared so rapidly I couldn’t be sure that it had ever happened. 

‘When’s the appointment?’

‘In 15 minutes.’

She said nothing to this and fiddled with the pages of the book. 

‘So someone will come and let you know when they are ready for you and let you know which room they are in.’

‘Fine.’

She was clearly not happy about it but she hadn’t screamed or thrown her book at my head. What was interesting was I knew this change had been a charade and for a fraction of second that mask had slipped. It must be exhausting to be pretending all the time. I couldn’t see how she could keep it up.

I knew Kathryn had attended her appointment as a colleague had said they had shown Kathryn to the room and she had gone in. I didn’t know how it had gone as there hadn’t been an opportunity to ask the doctor, all I knew was that she hadn’t done anything to warrant the use of the emergency button. I managed to catch up with the doctor in the office before I went to meet Kathryn.

‘Juliette, I am just about to go and meet with Kathryn. What should I expect?’

‘I have no idea.’ The doctor replied. ‘she didn’t utter a single word for the entire hour.’ 

‘Nothing?’

‘Absolutely nothing. I tried asking questions, I tried just speaking to see if she would join in or contradict me, but nothing. From what I have read she usually will talk to people.’

I thought for a moment, ‘yes she will talk. But she won’t talk about herself. She will speak in the abstract about the behaviours she had displayed and use analogies, or she will speak informally about lots of things, but she won’t talk about why she is here. She hasn’t really since that first day.’ 

‘You have spent time with her?’

‘Yes, and she engaged with me, but actually we spoke about the history of mental health care.’

‘I see.’ Said Juliette and collected up a sheaf of PADDs and left the office 

I blushed. Okay, maybe I hadn’t been too probing, but I was trying to build a repour. What did Juliette expect? Try launching in there with deep personal questions? Kathryn had made it clear from the outset that she didn’t agree with her admission here, all our conversations would have become a battle ground. That wouldn’t have been in any way supportive. But then Juliette always said that pushing people until they snapped was one way to get someone to open up. People were honest when angry was her mantra. It was a divisive approach and not one I agreed with, but others thought her an innovator, challenging the boundaries of health care. I found it bullying. However, I did resolve to raise the appointment when I saw Kathryn.

She was sat on the sofa in the corridor near the office. There was another patient on the other end of the sofa who was talking plainly trying to make conversation, but Kathryn appeared to be resolutely ignoring them. She jumped up when she saw me. I turned to the other patient:

‘Nicki, how are you?’

‘I’m okay thank you. Did you hear? I’m gonna be transferred to the general ward tomorrow.’

‘Yes, I did hear. Are you pleased?’

‘Yes. Can’t wait! And I know, that I have to keep taking the meds. I will remember this time.’

‘Good stuff. I’m just meeting with Kathryn now, but I will see you before you leave.’

‘Sure. I think they are having a cake and things so maybe see you there.’

‘See you then.’

Kathryn was behind me during this exchange so I couldn’t see how she reacted to this, but when I turned around the mask had slipped again. She looked angry, like really angry, and as I followed her gaze it looked like she was really angry with Nicki. Nicki was harmless. She came in every six months or so for a couple of weeks where we gave her medication and then she went on her way. She would continually get to a point where she was feeling great and then feel she no longer needed medication so didn’t take it. We had tried having someone administer long term doses, but it didn’t work. So, in she came again and when the medication kicked in would promise to remember the importance of taking it before thinking she didn’t need it and round in a cycle it went. Nicki lived alone and one plan was to try and move her to some type of supported housing so someone would be there to remind her of the importance of taking medication every day. She had resisted this before, but it was worth another shot. I would be very surprised if Nicki said anything to make anyone really angry. 

‘Kathryn, are you okay?’

‘Fine, let’s go.’ She said giving Nicki’s retreating back one final scowl.

We made our way off the ward and along to the cafeteria. 

When we were seated, I asked:

‘I spoke to the doctor today. She said you didn’t speak at all during your appointment. Why was that?’

‘I didn’t wish to.’

‘Speaking to doctors about treatment plans is one way to help you leave here.’ I said, trying to appeal to her desire to leave.

‘She was bullying. I don’t like bullies.’

Her feelings about Juliette mirrored mine so closely that I really didn’t feel comfortable pursuing it. I changed tack:

‘I noticed you looking pretty angry at Nicki earlier. Did she say anything to upset you?

‘No. I didn’t want to talk to her, and she kept talking.’

‘Why didn’t you want to speak to Nicki?’

‘I don’t want to speak to anyone else here. It wasn’t personal.’

‘I think you can guess my next question. Why don’t you want to speak to anyone else here?’

‘Because I don’t. I am not here to make friends. I am here because Lange doesn’t like me and the feeling is mutual.’

Again she so closely echoed my thoughts about Lange that I was thrown and didn’t question her any further about speaking to other patients. We didn’t really speak any further during dinner, Kathryn gave off hand answers to everything and closed down every conversation I started. But at least she answered me. When we had put our trays back in the replicators, I began to say something about going to the library but she cut me short.

‘I’m feeling really tired today Jamie. I just want a bath and an early night. We can go another time.’

‘Sure.’ I said, pleased that she was continuing to bathe. ‘But I need to know you are alright. You haven’t really spoken to anyone today. Are you having a bad day?’

She gave a low growl. ‘No. I’m just tired’

There wasn’t anything else I could do other than I agree. I couldn’t force her to talk to me. ‘Can I just ask you one thing. If you feel like you want to cut tonight, can you please come and find me or someone else. I am here until midnight.’

‘Okay’ she said almost over her shoulder as she strode back towards the ward. I was slightly concerned she might bolt but she didn’t and went back on to the ward and to her room without incident. I was worried. My instincts were to follow her to her room and watch her constantly, but I knew I had no justification for that. Maybe if I just gave some her some space and then offer her an activity? Or time to talk? It was the only thing I could think of, so I decided it was my plan. So, about an hour later I went to her room. I knocked on the door bracing myself for shouting or blood. She didn’t answer so I announced I was coming in. She was again sat on the windowsill, clearly a favourite spot with her, she had only the bed side light on, so the room was poorly lit. She was wearing very little. Just a short baby doll nighty. It was hard to make out the colour as it was so dark, but it looked white in the moonlight that streamed through the window. She also wasn’t wearing underwear. I know this because when she slid off the windowsill her nighty rode up leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. I stepped back towards the door, I wanted to ensure a decent distance between us. Kathryn walked towards me and again I stepped back but found myself up against the door. A tiny flash of panic shot through me and I felt my face grow hot. Fortunately, she stopped walking when she came to her bed. She sat on the end and turned towards me. I knew I should say something, but my tongue felt too big for my mouth. Kathryn just sat there her head to one side looking at me. Her face was blank, but just like when she brushed my hand, I had a feeling that performance hadn’t been accidental. The seconds ticked on and I was frantically trying to think of something to say:

‘Tired?’ Was what eventually came out my mouth. Stupid brain. 

‘I was but it passed.’

‘But you’re okay?’

‘Yes, I’m fine.’

Her arms were largely hidden in the shadows but I thought I saw some dried blood on her wrist.

‘No cutting?’

‘Nope.’ She said with a shake of her head. 

She crossed one leg over the other revealing everything up to the top of her thigh. 

‘Right. Okay. So, I’ll leave you to it. You know where we are.’

She smiled slightly as acknowledgement and I spun round and left her room and walked back to the safety of the office as quickly as dignity allowed. No one was in the office and I was glad, I didn’t want a barrage of questions right now. I sat at my desk and pressed my bottle of water to my cheek to try and cool it. What had happened? I had not felt in control of that situation. This was hardly the first time a patient had come on to me. But is that what happened? She didn’t know I was going to come in, so she didn’t wear what she was wearing deliberately for me or any other staff member. When observations were completed people just stuck their head round the door. That wasn’t enough time for deliberate flirtation. She hadn’t even flirted with me. She had said nothing sexual, she hadn’t tried to get in my space, in fact she had kept a decent distance. She hadn’t even acknowledged her nighty had ridden up, was she even aware that it had? I wrote up that I had been to see her, but I omitted that detail. I was too confused by it, and embarrassed, so I left it out. Ordinarily I might have completed some of the night time observations as I was her named nurse, but I did not want to go back to her room. I wasn’t scared of her per se. I didn’t think she was going to attack or sexually assault me. But I was wary of what she might do and then how I would feel. I like my work, but that night, I just wanted to go home. 

After a good night’s sleep, I felt like I had exaggerated my concern at what had happened. I was sure she hadn’t known that her night dress had rucked up like that. It was all accidental I had made and mountain out of a mole hill. I came in to work far more confidently than I had left. At handover they said that Kathryn had been fine during the rest of the night and had attended art therapy that morning. She was still refusing to talk to other patients and there had been a minor incident where another patient had been trying to engage with her and she had told them to fuck off. But other than that, there was not a lot to report. I went through some of my paperwork and then went off to find Kathryn. I found her in the little library on the ward. She was crouched down in front of a bookcase poking through the titles. 

‘Looking for anything in particular?’ I asked.

She jumped but answered ‘no, just looking.’

‘It’s not the best selection. The main library is absolutely huge. I know you were tired yesterday, but do you want to go today?’

‘No thank you. But we could go for a walk again. It looks like a nice day.’

‘Sure. But we’ll have to go before dinner otherwise it’ll be dark.’

She was still crouching down in front of the bookcase but she looked up and me and flashed me a smile. ‘Are you scared of the dark Jamie?’

‘No, it’s just not well lit and we’ll be walking into trees all the time.’

‘Could be fun!’ she replied with another smile.

‘Sounds like a load of paperwork. We’ll go when it’s light. Does 3.30 sound okay?’

‘Shame. But yes, 3.30 is fine.’

I told her I would see her then and returned to the office. Some of my unease from the day before had returned. I think part of it was I just didn’t understand her. She was consistently rude to other patients, wouldn’t engage with any talking therapies or drug regimens but she, well mostly, was happy to talk to me and apart from the first day had never even been rude. Okay, she wasn’t rude to other staff either, but she didn’t engage with them. It could just be that I was her named nurse so spent more time with her. I decided I was being paranoid and over analysing. I felt that today I needed to stop pussy footing around and speak to her about her behaviour and admission. 

She was waiting by the ward door at 3.30 and followed me down to the grounds. We agreed to follow the same route as before. She chatted about the weather, the different species of trees that we could see and favourite flowers. Although not exactly taciturn, this was the most verbose I had ever heard her. I hoped this was an indication she was having a good day and so would be more receptive to what I had to say. When we had our drinks and had sat down on the bench we sat on before I took the bull by the horns:

‘You have been here a few weeks now Kathryn. How are you feeling about your admission?’ 

She rolled her eyes. ‘Really? That’s what you want to discuss? Why?’

‘Because my job is to support you to get better.’

‘I am not unwell Jamie.’

‘Really?’ I said deliberately echoing her words.

‘Don’t mock me.’

‘I wasn’t. You see my problem is that on the one hand, I know you to be intelligent, rational and thoughtful but on the other, you completely deny that anything is wrong with you and we are the ones at fault for keeping you here. It doesn’t make sense to me.’

‘It makes complete sense if I don’t accept your basic premise.’

‘We are wrong to keep you here because your reactions make sense given your experiences, however, even if I agree with this, I still have one problem.’

‘And what’s that?’ she asked, her irritation starting to show in her tone.

‘That I, or anyone, is okay with someone taking such extreme risks they nearly die. Twice. I think that someone should be stopped if they are doing this.’

What happened next happened so quickly that I had no time to gather my thoughts and reacted on instinct. She muttered something, I think it was ‘fuck this’, before sweeping her coffee off the table and on to the ground and then leaping up and running off through the trees. I jumped up and followed her. In hindsight I don’t know quite why I did this. The part of the grounds she was in was surrounded by security fences, she wasn’t going anywhere fast, but as I say instinct took over. I crashed through the undergrowth, getting smacked in the head by branches and nearly tripping over roots. I could hear her ahead, but I couldn’t catch sight of her. I shouted:

‘Kathryn. Stop. Where are you going?’

Unsurprisingly I did not get any response. I stopped running as I was making so much noise, I would never be able to hear where she was. Everything was still. The only sound I could hear was the rustle of the wind through the leaves. I tried calling again but still nothing. My only option was to call security, there were more of them. They would find her. And they did. Three hours later. I saw her being brought back to the ward. She was covered in scratches and had a gash across her forehead where it looked like she had fallen and hit her head. She also had a very straight and very deliberate cut across her wrist. What had she used to make that? Security were talking to the ward manager; he was telling them to take her to the medical room to treat her physical injuries. They were still having to restrain her, and she was fighting them at every opportunity. 

‘We’ll need to sedate her’ someone shouted. This was followed by some muffled shouting and screaming, probably from Kathryn but they had moved too far past the office for me to be certain. There were some running feet and Dr Jankowski shot into the office.

‘What’s she prescribed? Quick Jamie.’

‘Nothing.’ I replied lightly enjoying his degree of panic. He was a new doctor here, always insisted on being called Dr Jankowski rather than just Adam. Suffice to say, I didn’t like him. 

‘Nothing?’ his voice shot up an octave.

‘Nope.’ Not bothering to hide my obvious enjoyment of the situation.

‘Shit, shit, shit. What should I give her?’

‘You’re asking me?’

‘Yes, what would you give someone?’

‘Oh I don’t know Adam, one of the most common sedatives I suppose. Like Lorazpenthine?’

‘Yes, that should work.’

And without a word of thanks, he ran out the door in the direction of the pharmacy. It wasn’t until 20.00 I heard what had happened. This was when a couple of my colleagues from the physical health department came drifting in.

‘Fuuuuk me. I need to eat.’ Announced Jesse, one of our general nurses. 

‘You been with Kathryn?’ I asked looking up from my work.

‘Uh huh.’

‘I thought she had been sedated?’

‘So did we. Started to treat her and she came round. We managed to get another dose in to her, but it had no effect and we spent 45 minutes trying to reason with her and chasing her around the room. Had to combine the sedatives in the end. It was the only thing that stopped her.’

‘Her injuries weren’t severe though were they? Why’d it take so long?’

‘She had lots of minor cuts and bruises, a bit of nasty head wound a fractured wrist and ankle which had been made worse by the restraint. She also had cut her wrist. Probably with a piece of glass. But it wasn’t that deep. Didn’t hit anything vital.’

‘Shit. I didn’t realise it was that bad.’

‘Neither did she.’ Jesse said dryly. ‘Made the fractures even worse by running around the room and lobbing things at us. It’s taken us ages to get the room straight. I hear we have you to thank for this.’ Jesse finished with a grin.

‘I wondered when you’d get to that…. Hey, I just told her I thought she was unwell and off she ran like a rabbit.’

Jesse shrugged and sat staring into space for a minute. ‘You got any food?’

I chucked a sandwich I had just got from the canteen. ‘I think you need this more than me.’

Jesse tore open the packet and shoved half the sandwich in his mouth. ‘Fanks.’ He gargled around the contents of his mouth.

‘You’re disgusting.’ I said pulling a face.

‘That’s why you love me.’


	4. Chapter 4

I don’t know why I went to see her, it was a stupid idea. I just felt I should given, well, everything. I left it late enough so that any conversations that threatened to become prolonged I could legitimately say we should leave it until I was next in. I also thought the sedatives would probably still be in effect so I could just stick my head round the door and say I tried. Of course, that wasn’t what happened.

I knocked on the door and she answered. I went in, the bedside light was on and she was sat up in bed, she was wearing a hospital gown which they must have put her in when they were repairing the fractures. Her hair still bore some of her battle wounds. It looked like it could do with a good wash, as mud, blood and bits of tree were still evident. 

‘Hello Jamie.’

‘Hi, just came to see how you were doing?’

‘Fine, fine.’

‘I heard you had a few nasty injuries.’

‘Ummm. I fell down a bank and into a fence and forcefield. It had a Hell of a rebound. Starfleet could probably use your forcefield expertise. Wouldn’t mind bouncing a few Malon off one of those.’

‘Malon?’

‘Never mind. Just a species we encountered.’ She answered looking down at the bedsheets. She began kneading the duvet with her fingers as though it was dough ready for the oven.

‘Right. Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay. Just to let you know I’m not in for the next three days but when I’m back we’ll book a time to meet.’

‘Sure.’

‘See you soon then’ I smiled and turned to leave.

‘Wait. One more thing’ I heard Kathryn call.

I spun back and she was in front of me. Goodness knows how she moved that quickly with a recently mended broken ankle. 

‘Yes?’

She stepped forward and kissed me. She smelt of a mixture of soil and antiseptic and something I couldn’t identify. Just her. Her skin was surprisingly soft. She had such a hard exterior I guess I had thought that she would feel like pottery. Smooth, cold and unyielding. I pushed her backwards and I am not ashamed to say, sprinted form her room. I immediately reported what had happened and the wheels of standard procedure kicked into motion. Kathryn was interviewed by the hospital manager and administrator with the onsite advocate present. I was scared she would say I had initiated it, but she told the truth. In the reports I read later she agreed that it had come from her and her alone and that I had never said anything inappropriate or sexualised or had ever suggested any relationship other than a professional one. When interviewed I corroborated everything she said, there were no discrepancies. It was treated as a patient led incident and I was offered support for the assault. I refused this. People kept telling me it was okay to be angry, but I wasn’t angry at her, I was angry at myself. I saw so clearly where Lange had got it wrong. She may use sex as a form of self harm, but that wasn’t her main aim. She used her inherent sexuality to manipulate those around her and I didn’t see it until she had me caught in her web.

In the end she won. She was moved from the seclusion ward to the main ward before it would have been clinically recommended. She took a step closer to the freedom she wanted. I pushed for this and everyone thought it was because I wanted her gone. This was true, but not for the reasons they thought. What she hadn’t mentioned, and I had hidden, was that I had kissed her back.


End file.
